my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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