Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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