apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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