just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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