Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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