I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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