i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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