I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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