youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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