Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
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Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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