I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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