my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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