Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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