He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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