I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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