You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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