you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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