how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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