Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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