I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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