I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
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I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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