She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Enjoy the penises
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