I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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