when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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