Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize