Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize