separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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