You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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