I'm eating all of the evidence.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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