I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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