i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize