Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She's like a pop up book from hell.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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