it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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