i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
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How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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