i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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