There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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