You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
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All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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