and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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