So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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