Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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