She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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