She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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