I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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