apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
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You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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