paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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