I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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