She went from zero to smokin in five shots
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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