Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
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Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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