he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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