forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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